You know, we can never find the first aid kit around the ThinkGeek offices when we need it. And when you think about it, that and a good fire extinguisher are pretty much the two requirements in an office where you fabricate flying R/C objects, solder assorted circuits, and evaluate various types of knives. Okay. First aid kit, fire extinguisher, and a lot of PowerSquids. But we digress. First aid. Hard to locate when you need it. If we each wore a medkit on our backs, we’d never have trouble finding bandaids and burn cream. Problem solved.
Hello and again welcome to the Aperture Science Employee Application and Immersion Training Suite. Your specimen has been processed, and we are now ready to begin the test proper. Note that this chamber will be monitored at all times. We have found that through careful monitoring, we can more accurately determine which subjects are most likely to result in spectacular progress and choose the most promising subjects to conduct our research. For your own safety, do not destroy Vital Testing Apparatus. If you are a first time applicant, please type “CONTINUE”.
Aperture Laboratories will conduct a groundbreaking for its Enrichment Center this upcoming Sunday. The public is invited to attend the 10 a.m. ceremony. Plans are for the cutting-edge center to include test chambers, offices, and a commercial kitchen. In addition, Aperture CEO Cave Johnson will be in attendance to talk with the public about Aperture Laboratories’ new, exciting tripartate strategy: the Heimlich Counter-Maneuver, the Take-A-Wish Foundation, and the ‘Portal’ project, for which the Enrichment Center is being created. Recruiters will be also on site to sign up any citizens who would like to be test subjects for these new, exciting technologies. It is a source of great satisfaction to Aperture that it is poised to make a contribution of this caliber to humanity. Note: Aperture CEO Cave Johnson regrets he will be unable to attend the festivities.
Welcome, -Subject Name Here-. Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. As you know, science is very important, and we’re appreciative of your dedication of yourself up to and including possible permanent disabilities, such as death. To avoid permanent disabilities, be sure to ¶????¬ ^H . State and local statutory regulations prohibit us from revealing the entire nature of the experiment you are participating in today, but be informed that it may involve physics, psychology, thermodynamics, pharmacology, and non-Euclidean geometry. And cake. For the party. At the end. When you’re done. Sometimes cake is my favorite part of science. When asking your children if they would like to attend the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, remind them that science = cake.
Welcome to Aperture Laboratories, A Trusted Friend in Science! One of the many perks of working here is that Aperture provides all the human fuel you can drink. Human fuel, or “coffee” as it is often called, is available in break rooms throughout the lab. A quality human fuel receptacle can be acquired through the monkeys at ThinkGeek. Please do not use your Aperture Science Mug outside of designated areas, and please do not utilize your Aperture Science Mugs to ingest unsafe liquids or neurotoxins. Science Maybe you’ll find someone else to give you coffee… maybe Black Mesa? (That was a joke, ha ha, FAT CHANCE!) Anyway, this coffee is great, so delicious and hot. But look at me still talking when there’s science to do…
This is an Aperture Science logo hoodie, inspired by the Portal and Portal 2 video games. It shows the logo of the research company in charge of producing the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, or as most people know it: the Portal gun.
Congratulations on being accepted as a test candidate for the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. Please keep your hoodie on you at all times as the results of prolonged exposure of test subjects to the outside world are as yet unknown. We’ve provided one end of this portal. The other end is up to you. Stuck in an endless meeting? Time to break out your handy dandy Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device and WOMPF yourself a way out. Elementary school concert? WOMPF. DMV? WOMPF. The possibilities are endless.
They come when you least expect them and latches on to your head, sucking you until you have no more brain power left! They are your popular, brain stealing, heart stopping, alien parasites from the Half Life universe…and now they can be found on your head! This is a hat featuring the alien specie, the headcrabs. Though not as dangerous or a hazer for your brain, this hat will make a great gift for any Half Life fan! Having an elastic band that can expand up to approximately 22 inches, this hat will fit most heads! It even has four legs; 2 in front which can hang down approximately 7.5 inches, and 2 in the back which hangs down approximately 5 inches. The hat is also very soft to touch and will fit comfortably on your head.